Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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