He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
