She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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