I CAN MOONWALK!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
