good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
