Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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