How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
