i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
