: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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