I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
