new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
