My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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