No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
