OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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