Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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