I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
