i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
