Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
