I just threw up on my dentist
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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