I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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