I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
