I skipped work to stalk him.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
