Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
