i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
