he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
