cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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