i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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