The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
