3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
