just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
