having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
