He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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