I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
