sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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