Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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