my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
