Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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