Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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