I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
