Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
