So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
