Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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