Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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