Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
