things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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