I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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