It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
