She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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