Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
