will power is for people who don't want to get laid
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
