There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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