i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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