I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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