You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
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We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
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sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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