yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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