Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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