Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
