i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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