It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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