Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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