Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
