it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
